Dear Taryn,
Oh little miss you are a ball of energy. I cannot believe you are four years old. It went so fast and yet I feel every second of those four years because we have really lived them. They have been so short and so long. I love you so much. Your highs are so high. Tight squeezes with your whole body while you squeal in my ear kind of high and your lows are just as physical, stomping, slamming, hitting and shaking with fury. You feel everything so deeply and most of the time you just let it right out. If you're frustrated you let us know. If you're really happy and you're feeling the love, everyone gets a dose of it with a handmade picture and a candy taped on or a big squeeze and an "I love you SO much!" Frequently when you're feeling the love I get some of my most flattering compliments from you because they come from such a genuine place. "Mom, these pancakes are amazing. You are the best cooker in the whole world!" "Mom, I love your tights. Those are really beautiful!"
This year you've visited Egypt, Netherlands, Belgium, Czech Republic, Germany, Austria, and of course Saudi Arabia and the USA. You've become a pretty good little traveler. You LOVE being on airplanes because movies and screen time is a serious love of yours. Some spectacular tantrums have been rooted in a show being turned off and having hours of screen time on airplanes makes you so happy. We went to Egypt for last spring break and we were worried it would be really hard with two littles with all the walking but you guys did pretty great. You both preferred to be carried by your dad and not me all the time but for the most part you enjoyed yourself and still talk about seeing the pyramids and the tombs. It was an epic trip and I think some of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences started to stick this year in your memory because they were so soul shaking that they made a big impact. You talk about how we climbed up the inside of the pyramid carrying you on my chest all bent over. You talk about how you looked for rocks in every new temple we visited. You talk about seeing King Tutankamun. It's so strange to hear your little voice relate these stories that are now part of your childhood. So strange.
You did your first presentation for our travel research before trips when we went to the Netherlands and you LOVED learning something new and having your own topic of authority. You were beyond proud every time we passed a shop window with one of the food items you learned about and were so happy to order food using your few Dutch words. This is one of your things this year more than any other: you love to be in control. In the know. In charge. Doing things yourself or even occasionally for someone else (if it's something you want to do) has been a huge source of pride and a driving motivator for you this year. Now there are definitely times when I cannot motivate you to do something if it's not something you want to do right then. But some of your most exciting moments are when you're in charge and doing something that makes you feel big. It's probably partially a product of being the littlest one in our family, but it's also a big part of who you are. You need to find your own way. Make your own path. And any time we try to drag you down a path that isn't yours you are very not cool with it and you stop us in our tracks.
Speaking of dragging, potty training. Oh girl, that was rough. Horrible. We waited until you were three and three months and it was still so awful. Months of battles of will, backpedaling, charts and treats and stickers and none of it made a lick of difference. You had to come to it on your own. I don't even know what made it stick and even now there are days when you just care less but eventually what we realized was that if you didn't want it for yourself, there was nothing we could really do that would motivate you. There were days when you were really trying and it was just hard for you to figure out. But then there were other days when you purposefully used accidents against us and that made it hard.
It's been a busy year and while you've rolled with most of the punches while traveling you've also been trying hard to figure out some things within yourself and it's been visibly tumultuous for you at times. You've asserted your independence by finding new and sometimes surprising ways to be naughty. It almost feels like a game or challenge to you sometimes. You have to test any rule we set not just once but repeatedly. There are days when you are the most compliant, helpful, loving little peanut and there are days when you push back in a loud and sometimes frightening way to every single word that I say. Those days are hard, T. You are a force, little miss. And when you decide to be a force for positivity our house is happier and lighter because you're ribbon dancing and hugging and tackling and singing at the top of your tiny lungs. But when you're struggling you are a whirlwind and we all end the day out of breath from trying to weather the storm. I wish I knew how to help you feel more steady and lighter on days when you're angry. We're working at it. Trying to focus on all the good you do and hoping that some of your angst is a phase.
Traveling threw off your clock this summer and you had a good 6 months from August to January where you were up at night every night. Sometimes once, sometimes 10 times. Sometimes for 2 minutes sometimes just wide awake for multiple hours. Calling for Dad and I and asking to go potty, for a drink, say a prayer I'm scared, where's my stuffy. Basically you were awake and bored. But we tried everything and you just took time and changing from naps to "quiet time" during which you still fall asleep but we have to wake you up after an hour to have any chance of a less rough night. It's been so tough, T. Oh man, and the babysitters. Your dad and I were in a musical this fall and we had great babysitters putting you to bed twice a week. Or at least trying to. You were a little tyrant. They'd try everything and you would not stay in your bed. The power you wielded over these poor teenage girls was absurd. Once we had our neighbor Chelsie Larson come over to put you to bed and you pulled the same thing with her. At one point she said you better get in bed or you're busted. Your response was, "What does busted mean?" It means you're in big trouble. You hesitated for a second and then said, "Hmmm, that doesn't sound so bad." and then continued to refuse to get in bed! Seriously, an unstoppable force that leaves us shaking our heads in disbelief and breathless at the gall!
You've started to be more open to social situations. In past years you've been happier and more content in your own little world. You would play with Kenna for a limited time but it usually ended in fighting. And when we had other people over to play you'd usually end up on your own, a little nervous about how to jump in but very unwilling to show it. In the last 6 months or so you've started to engage more and rally others to an imaginary game too. It's been really fun to watch you gain confidence in that way and realize that you're going to be very ready to start k4 next year. I think it will be hard for you to not have your sister all the time as a crutch but at the same time it will be good to see you flourish in your own right. You two have become better friends recently and have more and more days when you just disappear in your imaginary games for hours at a time. It's like you've just realized that you can have so much fun together when you choose to and you're choosing to more and more. It makes my heart so happy and sometimes we have places to go or things to do and I just see you playing together and throw the plans out and join in your tea party because it's more fun than making you stop. You love your brothers too. Especially when they'll read to you or let you ride on their back or wrestle softly. You guys are such a great little team. You know how to push each other's buttons but you also really love each other.
You like to play with magnatiles, making houses for your imaginary mice who sit on your shoulder and talk to you. You love reading books and you'd be content to snuggle on the couch and bring me books to read for hours if we didn't have anything else to do. You love parks and being outside. You ride your little bike with training wheels with speed and abandon that make my heart squeeze sometimes. Anything physical makes you light up inside. I hope we can find room for you in a dance class next year because if you hold still long enough to listen to your teacher I think you'll really enjoy it!
You love drawing and any sort of craft. You're more quick cutting and quick scribbling and done while your sister is more tiny little lines and she can take ten minutes on a picture but you're both equally proud of your work and drawn to creating it. You've loved making drawings or crafts for your dad and putting them in a bag or a box with a piece of candy to give him when he comes home. Once in a while these little thoughtful things that you come up with to make other people happy are just the sweetest.
You've become a picky eater this year. You skip dinner most of the time because you just don't want to eat most vegetables or meat. You've never met a fruit you don't like and you've started to eat most bread which is new for you. Dinner is touch and go but most nights you're getting better at saying "thank you" and not eating it instead of passing out insults which used to be the trend. You love to help cook and want to be on the counter any time I'm making anything. You LOVE sweets and would eat them all day if I let you.
Taryn I love you with a love that rivals all the passion in your tiny body. I love you every moment of every day and I am trying so hard to be the momma you need to help you love who you are, love doing right, and find what makes your heart sing. I am astounded by you. You're an absolute marvel and I sometimes feel like you're a high flying kite and I'm just the string flapping in the wind trying to hang on for the ride and figure out where you're going and maybe, to your great dismay, tug you a little big to the left or the right. Point is, little miss, you're already flying. You've got more passion in your little finger than I've ever seen. We just gotta fine tune it a little bit together and you are going to do amazing things with your life, sweet girl. I love your facial expressions that are so huge they make me bust up. I love your sassy hip swinging walk. I love your knock you over hugs and when you're nervous at night and you ask for a snuggle and a prayer. I love you, Taryn. I'm so glad I get to be your mom and hang on for the ride that is your life.
Happy birthday, little lady.
The world is yours.
Love,
Mom
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