Control

So maybe I like control. I've been doing a really good job, for me, adjusting to our move here. It's three weeks later and today I'm starting to break down a little bit. This is hard. I've been positive. I've made the best. I've been outgoing, and today I'm tired.
It's a number of things really. My sweet Tate has turned into a food and tantrum throwing mess the last few days. I hope that he's getting new teeth. I hope that he's feeling under the weather because those things will pass whereas if this is a personality shift I'm in trouble. I'm trying to cut the kid a break because I did just take him away from everyone and everything he's familiar with, and he does still have so so many sweet moments. I'm just not used to him being so picky and whiney all the time.
I think it all boils down to this: I can't control my life right now. I can't control where we're going to live in 6 or 12 or 18 months. I can't control how many close friends I have here. I can be outgoing and try to put myself out there. (It kind of feels like I'm dating again. Who will be a good match for me? Can I have your phone number? Where are you from? How many kids are in your family? Wanna have dinner sometime?) But ultimately, it just takes time to make real connections and real friendships with people. I can't control what Tate will eat or how many times he spits things out down his clothes and onto the floor right after his bath, though I do try.

Through all of this, I've found that I enjoy my exercise so much more. That's why I'm committing to training for a half marathon. I'm recording it, I'm committing. I've been training for about three weeks with the attitude of, "I'll try it and see how hard it is. I don't know if I really want to run 13 miles. Who wants to do that? I just won't tell anyone in case I decide not to." I want to do it. Not because I like running. I don't. I really like the feeling when I'm done but honestly, I have a hard time pushing myself very hard or very far. It's all a mental game and it's hard. But I like being able to exercise and it's the easiest way to exercise with Tate because I just push him in our jogging stroller. I've been running for over a year and my body can take it. It's starting to get easier. I want to be able to push myself that hard. I want to be able to tell my son that he can run and be in good shape because I can do it. I don't love to run, but lately, in my out of control state, I'm really enjoying the feeling of pushing my body harder and farther. I tell it not to stop and it won't. I tell myself to ignore that little voice telling me how bored I am and how I'm tired and would like to just stop, and then I just ignore it.
So now I'm committed. I'm going to run the Galveston Seawall half marathon on November 20th and as of today, with my run of the day complete, I'm feeling optimistic.

I know the adjustment will continue to get easier. It really hasn't been too bad. Today has just been rough and thus the venting.